Things I Learnt from Harry Potter
by dracowitch
Summary: 70 Things every person should have learnt from Harry Potter. You really can't afford not to learn them - just in case you DO run into a troll tomorrow and then you wish you had read this. Originally by FantasticallySnarkastic: I am adopting it. SPOILERS!
1. Philosophers' Stone

**Title:** Things I Learnt from Harry Potter

**Author:** dracowitch

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it – except copies of the books of course.

**Please Note: **The original creator of this idea is FantasticallySnarkastic – this is simply my take on it.

***

**Things I Learnt from the Philosophers' Stone:**

1. Cats sitting on garden walls are really Professors at Hogwarts.

2. Hundreds of letters are good for only one thing: paper cuts.

3. If you know that the core in your wand matches that of a murderer who tried to kill you, just put the wand back, okay?

4. Attempting to turn a rat yellow, will only prove that you are as stupid as the inclination to do such a thing suggests you are.

5. You should not try to fight a troll if you do not have a wand to stick up its' nose.

6. You should always ask someone if they have Lord Voldemort sticking out the back of their head, BEFORE you get drunk and swap life stories.

7. 'Wingardium Leviosa' will not solve every problem you come across, unless you only ever fight trolls.

8. It's Snape's fault. Period.

9. If you are the hero of the story, you will never get into trouble, unless the punishment will conveniently help you in your quest to defeat Lord Voldemort.

10. Headmasters are allowed to eat your sweets without asking when they visit you in hospital.


	2. Chamber of Secrets

**Title:** Things I Learnt from Harry Potter

**Author:** dracowitch

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it – except copies of the books of course.

**Please Note: **The original creator of this idea is FantasticallySnarkastic – this is simply my take on it.

***

**Things I Learnt from the Chamber of Secrets:**

House elves are ideal if you need assistance with suicide.

Cornish Pixies are the best way to get Lockhart out of a room.

In the event of a snake attack, one should always try to _talk_ to the snake; to reason with it first.

When you hear a voice that no-one else can, make sure it's not your mates, BEFORE you assume the Heir of Slytherin has come for you and make yourself look like an idiot.

Going to a Deathday party is _obviously_ the ideal solution to staying out of trouble.

Waving your arms about wildly and screaming 'The Heir of Slytherin is behind you!' is only funny once. Sometimes twice.

If you find a diary, or any piece of paper for that matter, having a conversation with you - just put it back. Really, why would you not?

We should let the twelve-year olds figure it out.

We should _always_ trust the boy we find in the Chamber of Secrets, who has done nothing to help the unconscious girl.

The hero can never solve a problem on his own.


	3. Prisoner of Azkaban

**Title:** Things I Learnt from Harry Potter

**Author:** dracowitch

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it – except copies of the books of course.

**Please Note: **The original creator of this idea is FantasticallySnarkastic – this is simply my take on it.

***

**Things I Learnt from the Prisoner of Azkaban:**

1. Never trust rats. Even if they_ are_ yellow.

2. Ginger cats are picked on as much as ginger people.

3. A hippogriff is handy if you want to make a Slytherin look like an idiot.

4. Always ride the broomstick sent to you by a stranger. What could go wrong?

5. If you are the hero of the story, never worry about a secondary villain – he will always turn out to be your Godfather/Uncle/Best friend.

6. We will always be safe if we follow maps written by strangers.

7. We should all make friends with werewolves and convicts if Voldemort is busy and we need to feel like a hero.

8. It's always the quiet ones.

9. Dementors are sexually frustrated. That's why they Kiss people.

10. A haunted house will always come in handy when you want to pretend to be a werewolf. Sometimes you will just get that urge. Trust me.


	4. Goblet of Fire

**Title:** Things I Learnt from Harry Potter

**Author:** dracowitch

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it – except copies of the books of course.

**Please Note: **The original creator of this idea is FantasticallySnarkastic – this is simply my take on it.

***

**Things I Learnt from the Goblet of Fire:**

1. Ron + Leprechauns = Angry Ginger

2. When facing a dragon, brawn is the only way to go. Brains are dead. Harry Potter will always tell you that.

3. We should always swallow something given to us by a house elf, whose idea of helping is similar to attempted murder.

4. Yet again, the hero can never do anything without help (from friends, house elves, dead parents etc).

5. It is ALWAYS funny to ask Draco Malfoy how his ferret friends are. The curse he puts on you will be worth it every time...

6. Being a hero will only ever get you second place.

7. Hermione + Viktor Krum = Angry Ginger

8. We should always stick our heads into bowls of random swirly mist, just for fun!

9. If your name is Alastor Moody, people are more likely to dress up as you.

10. If you see a beetle, make sure you ask it if it works for a newspaper before you tell it your secrets.


	5. Order of the Phoenix

**Title:** Things I Learnt from Harry Potter

**Author:** dracowitch

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it – except copies of the books of course.

**Please Note: **The original creator of this idea is FantasticallySnarkastic – this is simply my take on it.

**A/N: **Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed this piece, or added it to their alerts/favourites! It is really appreciated and I hope the next parts do not disappoint!

***

**Things I Learnt from the Order of the Phoenix:**

1. It is not ok to jump up and down in a phone box, trying to make it go down to the Ministry of Magic.

2. You will look like an idiot if you walk around with your arms outstretched so you don't walk into a Thestral.

3. Reading a magazine upside down is only normal if the reader is also upside down. However, being upside down to begin with is quite weird.

4. No matter how much I want to see a Thestral, I should not kill anyone. Unless they are a Slytherin.

5. The hero will suffer in silence, so he has yet _another_ reason to make people feel sorry for him.

_6. Secret_ societies are pretty self-explanatory, but Slytherins are nosy bastards.

7. Half-Giant brothers are not good at hide and seek.

8. If you have a death wish, by all means, go ahead and dress up as Dolores Umbridge and ask a centaur for a pony ride.

9. Thinking things through is over-rated: Have a dream, get on an invisible creature and fly to London!

10. To cheer yourself up: Play 'fetch' with Lucius Malfoy and a couple of Prophecies.


	6. HalfBlood Prince

**Title:** Things I Learnt from Harry Potter

**Author:** dracowitch

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it – except copies of the books of course.

**Please Note: **The original creator of this idea is FantasticallySnarkastic – this is simply my take on it.

***

**Things I Learnt from the Half-Blood Prince:**

Gryffindors are not subtle creatures. In fact, it's a wonder they manage to save the wizarding world so frequently when their idea of nonchalance is to wander into shops and pretend to be friends with Death Eaters. They may as well be waving a Gryffindor flag and roaring for all their absence of Slytherinism*.

It is only right that everyone should follow potion instructions they find scribbled by a stranger in an old book. NOT to do so would be considered highly dangerous and rather stupid.

It is not okay to pretend to slip potions into your friends' drinks under the pretence that it will make them feel good. Even if this works, it is not acceptable to _really_ spike their drinks to see if the effect is even better.

It's Malfoy's fault. End of.

In addition to Number 4, Snape_ can_ always give Malfoy a run for his money.

Then again, Draco Malfoy is a dumb blonde.

It is _not_ normal to run away from various antiques, screaming that Voldemort might still have a Horcrux left and you just can't risk it.

Ginger + Slut = Jealous swot.

The hero's best friend has to have something going for him in a book. Unfortunately in this one, he is ginger, bad at Quidditch and he fails at love. It's not looking good, is it?

No matter how much you fancy Fleur Delacour, it is not okay to get bitten by a werewolf, just to see if she'll finally fancy you.

*That's what I said, Slytherinism. You read it right.


	7. Deathly Hallows

**Title:** Things I Learnt from Harry Potter

**Author:** dracowitch

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it – except copies of the books of course.

**Please Note: **The original creator of this idea is FantasticallySnarkastic – this is simply my take on it.

**So it's the last book and therefore the last chapter. Thank you very much to everyone who has reviewed/added this to your alerts/favourites, and to those of you who will (I hope!)**

***

**Things I Learnt from the Deathly Hallows:**

1. It may not always be necessary to be packed in case of emergencies. Seriously, carrying your bags with you everywhere you go in case you are pre-warned of a wizard attack is NOT normal. Those of you who are attempting it are likely to be slower because of it. And so you deserve to be.

2. Scouring fairytale books for clues about quests, adventures and other daring deeds is stupid and extremely pointless. In addition, it is highly unacceptable to assure young children that if they swallow a shiny gold ball they will eventually find Hogwarts and rid the world of evil. You will just kill them.

3. It is not nice to make smoochy noises whenever Dumbledore and Grindelwald are mentioned in the same sentence.

4. You will not be welcome at a zoo if you try to kill the snakes; not all of them are Horcruxes for insane wizard serial killers. Just a few are.

5. Diving into a pool of freezing water is not big and it's not clever. You will have to be saved by your ginger friend – how embarrassing.

6. You will look like a fool if you poke people in the chest with a stick, only to brandish it screaming 'I have the Elder Wand; no-one can beat me!' Trust me. I have tried.

7. In the muggle world, Snape would be the equivalent of a mad cat lady who is really a secret agent. There's one on every street. (If you don't have one, it's you!)

8. Faking death only works if you are an accomplished drama queen. Harry Potter happens to be one.

9. Goblins may be Greedy, Luna may be Loopy and Ollivander may be Odd. But whatever way you put it, Harry is _not_ Horny. Especially for you! Accept it. Move on.

10. I am not Harry Potter. I am not a wizard. I do not, have not and will not ever go to Hogwarts. (If, like me, you are having trouble dealing with this fact then don't worry: you are not alone).


End file.
